Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
