sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
