that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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