There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
