Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
