I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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