sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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