This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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