literally had 100 drinks last night.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
