I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
