i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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