i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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