i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
