i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
