Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
