They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
