my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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