matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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