He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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