hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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