So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
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he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
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Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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