Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
