My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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