Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
