Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
