that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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