the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
