just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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