I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
