I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
