I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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