i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
