the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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