So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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