just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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