The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
