96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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