i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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