So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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