his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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