so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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