Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
