he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
