lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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