Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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