When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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