if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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