You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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