I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize