Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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