yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
