I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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