Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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