i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
